


Say My Name

by noturprxtxg



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, F/M, I’m sorry in advance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26004955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noturprxtxg/pseuds/noturprxtxg
Summary: Why was Kokichi upset? Because in this world, this terrible timeline he was born in, whenever your partner or lover was cheating on you, they couldn’t say your name.And for the last few months...Shuichi couldn’t say his name.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Amami Rantaro, Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Comments: 16
Kudos: 114





	Say My Name

**Author's Note:**

> TW- Anxiety, Self Harm
> 
> Hey guys! I’m going to apologize in advance for this because it’s sad so um yeah. There’s nothing like cutting and stuff, it’s just banging your head. I wanted to put a warning though. 
> 
> This is very obviously a different tone than my fairly light hearted D.I.C.E au, which if you enjoy this fic, consider checking out Double Agent Of Love? 👉👈 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25785907/chapters/62629195
> 
> Also, I want to put a really big thank you to @M_o_t_h for being my beta reader! Please give her lots of love on her body swap au! 
> 
> Also also! This idea was based off of a tik tok I saw haha! The user is @/cactus.cosplay, please go check him out and give his cosplays some love! 
> 
> Anyways! Happy reading <3\. If you’re not in a good headspace, please take care of yourself and consider reading later. I just want my readers to be safe. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Kokichi stared at the Polaroid photo in his hand. He felt his eyes sting with tears. The photo hurt. It reminded him of the old times. The good times when he was loved. 

The photo he held was of him and his “boyfriend”, Shuichi Saihara. He didn’t say “boyfriend” because they weren’t dating. He said it because it felt like they weren’t. 

It felt like they lived together but never saw each other. It felt like they shared a bed but never slept together. It felt like they had been dating for 4 years but barely knew one another. 

It started off great. Kokichi loved every single second he spent with Shuichi. He was awkward, sure, but that’s because Shuichi had never dated anyone before and honestly, Kokichi hadn’t either. 

They quickly got the hang of it, and even if they didn’t know what they were doing it was always very humorous. It was never uncomfortable or weird with him. All he remembered was being happy. 

Around a year of dating, they decided to move in together. They rented an apartment after looking for like  _ ever.  _ One of their mutual friends, Kaede told them there was an empty apartment in her complex and thank god it was in their budget. 

It was nice, having a friend that lived right above them. Shuichi and Kaede were always really close so they had lots of fun being able to see each other. They spent a lot of time together, but Kokichi knew they were best friends. He knew it wasn’t anything weird. 

Then Kokichi got a job. Not only was Shuichi working at the detective agency but Kokichi got a job working at their local  _ McDonalds _ . His boyfriend insisted he needed a job to contribute to their shared expenses. 

He hated it. He spent even more time away from the love of his life but he trusted him. It wasn’t like Shuichi would do anything bad without him. It wasn’t like he would cheat on him or find another lover. One better than him. A partner that fits him better, that makes him happier. One that tended to his every need and was there for him even more than Kokichi was. 

He flipped the picture over and saw the scribbles. It looked like Shuichi’s handwriting. He traced each letter with his finger. It felt nice and familiar, almost like he was there with him. Like he was hugging him from behind and kissing his neck like he used to. Like he was stroking his hair and comforting him after a hard day. 

He noticed the date on the picture, it was for their anniversary. He noticed what Shuichi wrote addressed to him, “ _ Kokichi you’re my best friend and my most favorite person. I’m so glad to have you in my life, please stay with me. I love you, happy 4 years :)”  _

That was it. That was what broke him. The tear fell down his cheek and hit the paper. He threw the photo on the side table and tried to dry it off. The tears kept coming. He tried to stop them. He tried rubbing his eyes dry but he sat there and cried on the very bed he felt the most lonely in. 

Why was he upset? Because in this world, this terrible timeline he was born in, whenever your partner or lover was cheating on you, they couldn’t say your name. 

The past couple weeks, Shuichi never addressed him by name. Not when talking to their friends, not when talking to him, not ever. At first Kokichi didn’t realize it. He called him “Love”, “Baby” “My Supreme Leader”. Any pet name you could think of, he called him that. 

He thought he was trying to be cute, and he enjoyed it. He loved the pet names, especially “My Supreme Leader”. That was his favorite. 

He couldn’t remember why or how he suspected Shuichi was cheating. He did remember he told Tsumugi that he had been getting called lots of pet names recently and she joked about him cheating. 

Kokichi thought about it and the more things he came up with, the more it made sense. The more actions Shuichi did, the more he refused to call him by his name, the more it made sense. 

The more Kaede wouldn’t say Rantaro’s name either, the more Kokichi knew what was happening. 

Did he want to believe it? Did he want to have some sad pathetic break up story that made him sound cool? No.

The moment he’d laid his eyes on Saihara, he knew he wanted him. He knew he wanted to be cuddled up against him when he was cold. He wanted to cry into his broad shoulders and be comforted by his sweet voice. He didn’t know what he’d do without him but he sure as hell was glad he met that dense detective. 

He tried so hard to become friends with him, and it actually worked. They bonded pretty quickly and Saihara actually put up with his crazy antics. Kokichi was surprised, to say the least. Usually his relationships don’t go that well. 

Nevertheless, they started dating. It was around the end of their Junior year when Kokichi accidentally confessed to him and Shuichi actually liked him back. It was even more surprising than Shuichi bonding with him. 

They announced it to their friends and they were supported pretty well. Some of them made jokes about him having a thing for emo boys or Shuichi having low standards but all in all, their friends were nice about it. 

Kokichi didn’t care either way, though. He wanted Shuichi not to make his friends happy but because he made himself happy. He knew Shuichi was the one for him. He knew it would work out wonderfully as soon as he didn’t run away screaming. 

But like he said, his relationships didn’t end that well. 

He stretched his frail body out on the bed. Out on Saihara’s side of the bed. Usually it was occupied by the other boy, and he didn’t get to lay there. He wasn’t doing it to be creepy, he missed Saihara’s warmth and the way he laid in such a delicate way. The way he curled himself up and snored lightly. The way his bags never went away despite the amount of sleep he got. 

He smelled the pillow and it smelled just like he remembered him. He was so lonely without him. He just wanted to be noticed by his lover. He wanted things to go back the way they were before Kaede started hanging out around Saihara again. Before they moved in underneath her apartment. 

_ Before Saihara decided to stop loving me.  _

His motionless body went limp in the bed and he stared at the ceiling. His purple hair was matted. He hadn’t brushed it in a week but who cares? It’s not like he was getting dressed up for someone anymore. 

He kept asking Saihara if he loved him. He needed the reassurance that he wasn’t going to break up with him and that he was going to stay. Saihara kept saying 

_ “Don’t worry, love. I’ll always be here for you.” Or “Baby, we’ve talked about this. I’m staying no matter what.”  _

It kind of made Kokichi laugh. The irony of what he said hurt. It definitely hurt but it was funny Saihara thought he was being so slick. That he thought he couldn’t tell when he came home with his hair messed up and his clothes wrinkled. That he thought he couldn’t tell when he had fucked Kaede. 

Even though it was funny to him, he still laid motionless in the bed. He wanted to say emotionless but that would be far from the truth. His emotions were what got him here. His dumb, invalid emotions. The ones that got him into this mess of a relationship. 

All he wanted was for something to work out in his life. For something to go the way he wanted to and he finally thought he had found it. 

He heard the sound of the front door open and it made his whole body flinch. It was the very person he was thinking about, the person who hurt him so bad. Shuichi Saihara. 

“Baby, I’m home!” He called from the front room. Kokichi rolled over onto his side of the bed and covered himself up in the comforter. 

He heard him take his jacket off, “I didn’t think you were at work…” He mumbled and the bedroom door opened. 

Kokichi sighed heavily, “I’m not. I had the day off.” 

The energy in the room went awkward and Shuichi sat on the bed. He stroked the boy's hair, “What’s wrong? You seem like a wreck.” He tried to comb the mats out without hurting him. Kokichi winced. 

“I’m fine, Saihara. You worry too much.” He moved his head away from him. 

He looked away from him, “I think you’re worrying too much. I know how much you can overthink things but I promise everything is ok between us.” 

He nodded, “Yeah. Whatever you say, detective.” 

Shuichi frowned at how dismissive his boyfriend was being, “I can tell you’re upset. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to be I’m here for yo-“ 

Kokichi threw the blanket off himself and sat up, “Are you though? Are you here for me?” His eyes were red and his cheeks were puffy. Saihara bit his lip, he knew he was the one who caused this. 

“I don’t want to talk to you while you’re upset at me, babe. When you calm down we can talk later.” 

He nodded and spat an insult back, “Of course. Because you’re too sensitive to handle people not liking you.” 

Saihara threw his hands up in the air, “I’m not sensitive!” He stood up and headed for the exit, “Like I said, when you calm down, we can talk.” 

“Whatever.” Kokichi huffed and turned away from his boyfriend again. Their interactions had been going on like this forever. Er, for as long as Kokichi had figured out he was cheating. It was Saihara trying to be comforting despite the truth and he dismissed him. No matter what he said or did, it hurt him to know that he didn’t really care. If he cared he wouldn’t cheat, right? 

He waited. It was just him and his emotions. Him and his terrible, too intense emotions. Maybe he was right, maybe Kokichi was terrible to talk to when upset. And maybe he was jumping to conclusions. Maybe Saihara just liked pet names? 

“Honey, Kaede needs my help moving some furniture around. I’ll be back in an hour or two.” He called from the front room, again. 

Kokichi felt the tears sting his eyes again, as soon as he came home he was gone again. As soon as he saw him, he left. Was he really that bad? 

“Why doesn’t she ask Rantaro?” 

“You know how busy he is. I’m right downstairs, she didn’t want to bother him.” Saihara stood in the doorway this time. 

He stared at him, “Right. Because it’s not like Rantaro’s whole job is taking travel photos for his social media and it’s not like he’s taking a break right now.” 

Saihara crossed his arms, “I don’t know why you hate me hanging out with Kaede. It’s not like we do anything.” 

“Yeah because no one can tell when you two are getting touchy feely. Yeah.” Kokichi turned over again and covered his face. He didn’t want him to see how hurt he felt and how upset he was. He had made it clear that he didn’t like Kokichi when he was upset anyways. 

He groaned, “You’re just jealous. I’ll see you later.” and left without another word. 

He heard the door slam and he let himself be vulnerable again. The emotions took over and he slammed his head on the wall. He wanted it to stop. The headache he got from his feelings wouldn’t leave him alone. He slammed his head again...and again...he thought it would help him but it made it worse. 

The tears fell down his cheeks and he hit it one last time. The burning sensation spread from the back of his skull all the way to the front. 

“I hate this. I just want to be happy.” He cried.

~

Shuichi knocked on the cold apartment door. He shivered and shaked at the temperature outside. 

Kaede opened the door, “Does he know you’re here?” 

He nodded, “But he thinks I’m helping you move furniture. It’s ok.” He hung his coat up and frowned, “He’s onto us. He knows.” 

She laughed and grabbed his arm, “C’mon, he can’t. It’s not like he’s never been called pet names before.” 

He shook her off, “He knows that I can’t say his name. He’s going to get me to try to say it soon.” Saihara stood there awkwardly, “Kaede I don’t think this whole thing was a good idea. I really did love him and I know he loves me. I feel bad.” 

“Shuichi you wouldn’t have kissed me if you still had feelings for him.” He gulped as Kaede wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. 

“I loved him!” He pulled her arms off, “What have I done…?” 

Kaede grumbled, “Shuichi, you said you loved me? That’s why we did this. That’s why we ruined  _ both  _ of our relationships.” She looked upset, “Lest you forget, I loved my boyfriend, too.” 

He rolled his eyes, “You’d been long distance for a month. It’s different.” 

“If you don’t have anything important to say or do, then I don’t want you here. You can leave Saihara. Clearly you don’t love me anymore.” 

“That’s not it I-“ He was interrupted by Kaede grabbing his hand, “Kaede…” She cupped his cheek and smiled. They made eye contact and shared a moment. A rather...intimate moment. 

Shuichi smiled then frowned. He was upset at her. Upset for making him cheat. But was she right? He wouldn’t have kissed her if he still had feelings for Kokichi. No he wouldn’t have kissed her if he still had feelings for him. 

“What do I do?” He asked her and held her hand on his cheek. There was a tear in his eye but she wiped it away. 

“Break up with him. You don’t have to do it today. Or tomorrow for that matter but don’t hurt him too much, ok?” She smiled, “Actually, no. Hurt him for taking my love away from me. Hurt him bad.” 

Shuichi moved her hand, “Kaede’s that’s not like you.” 

“No. But I love the taste of revenge.” 

~

It had been a few weeks since Kokichi had last felt strong emotions towards his trust issues in the relationship. He didn’t want to break up with Saihara. He decided he would wait it out. 

Was it to cause himself more pain? No, not exactly. He wanted to be with him for the rest of his life and if Saihara didn’t want to, then he could be the one to end it. 

Kokichi stood in the kitchen in an oversized shirt. It wasn’t much, just a plain white shirt he’d probably stolen from his boyfriend a while ago and never gave it back. It didn’t matter much because they shared a closet anyway. 

He waited for the coffee to brew. He hated the taste of coffee but it reminded him of his lover. How he would drink it every morning to keep him awake. How it didn’t matter how bitter it was, it was almost like Saihara lived off of it. 

He drank it almost in memory of him. He wasn’t dead, no. He was far from it but it was just the thought of Saihara that kept him happy. 

Kokichi stood over the counter. He didn’t have any plans for today. He actually got fired from his job because he never showed up. Was he going to tell Saihara? 

_ I don’t want him to be more upset at me…  _

He shaked his hands anxiously. He couldn’t believe he fucked up so badly he lost his job. He didn’t know what he would do. 

_ Saihara is going to yell at me. Please, I don’t want that..  _

He was mad at Tsumugi. Mad at her for firing him but in the end, she was just doing her job and he wasn’t. He couldn’t be  _ that  _ upset at her. The shaking didn’t stop and it turned into full body shakes. 

_ Stop, Kokichi. You’re a dumb ass. You’re overreacting _ . 

He grabbed onto the counter to try to stable his body and knocked the mug over. “Stupid!” He cursed at himself. 

He bent over and picked the glass shards up, “That was his favorite mug…” 

_ “You drink way too much coffee for your own good! You’re going to give yourself a heart attack from all that caffeine.” Kokichi sat with his legs crossed on the couch. He was fumbling with the remote and trying to find a show for them to watch together.  _

_ Saihara laughed, “I swear, I’ll stop drinking it one of these days.”  _

_ “Whatever you say! But I hardly believe that.” Kokichi glanced behind himself, “Oh hey! That’s the mug I got you for your birthday that one year!”  _

_ He looked at the mug in his hands, “Is it? I guess it is.” Saihara smiled, “It’s my favorite mug. I use it all the time.”  _

_ Kokichi’s heart melted. Not only from the smile but what he had said. It was so cheesy, so sentimental, so...sweet. It made him happy.  _

He cursed himself again for breaking it. How was he going to explain it to Saihara? Not only was he drinking coffee out of it, which he never did so that’s already suspicious but how was he going to explain dropping the cup? 

He quickly threw the glass away just in time for Shuichi to open the door. 

_ I thought he got off later?  _

“I thought you were working later tonight?” Kokichi held his hands behind his back and tried to act like he didn’t just mess everything up. 

Saihara put his stuff down, “I was…? Oh right! They let me go home early.” 

He nodded.  _ So that was a lie.  _

“What’s your deal? I thought you were supposed to work the night shift on Tuesdays.” 

“Um. Yeah, I am.” He shifted his weight anxiously. He stretched so that he didn’t start shaking again. 

Saihara glared at the smaller boy’s weird actions, “So why aren’t you at work?” 

Kokichi sighed, “I got fired.” 

“How?!” He flinched at the tone of Saihara’s voice. He could tell he was definitely mad at him. 

He tuned him out. He didn’t want to hear the yelling or the angry tone. He didn’t want to hear his boyfriend's voice at all. He didn’t even notice how close he had gotten. 

His shoulders were shaken, “Are you ok? You zoned out?” He was still upset but Kokichi could’ve sworn he could hear a faint bit of worry. 

“Yeah I’m fine..” 

“You’re clearly not. You can talk to me, y’know.” Saihara left his hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him. 

“Saihara, say my name.” Kokichi looked up at him. He bawled and broke down, “You have to say my name. If you can say it I’ll talk to you.” 

He stopped. Kokichi could tell he hesitated, “What do you mean? I don’t have to say your name. I love you.” 

“Then say it!” He yelled at him. He felt bad and immediately backed off but waited for a response. 

Saihara laughed and Kokichi pushed his hand off, “Saihara this isn’t funny!” 

“You’re so cute when you have trust issues. Baby, I can say your name.” He tried to hug him but Kokichi pushed him away again. 

“Say it! Kokichi Ouma! Say my name!” He hit Saihara’s chest with balled fists. He was in hysterics. 

“Do you know how badly I love you? How badly I want to believe you can say my name? How badly I’ve been hurt by this?” He cried, “I know! I know what you do with Kaede. I can see through your lies.” 

Saihara looked down at the ground in shame, “I...I’m sorry.” 

Kokichi looked up at him. His eyes were bloodshot and his cheeks were swollen. His pale skin was so red you could barely even tell he was pale anymore. Saihara tried to look away from him. Tried to look away from what he caused but he realized he deserved this. This is what his actions caused. 

“So I knew it.” Kokichi rubbed his nose on his arm, “I guessed right.” 

He left. He left, gathered Saihara’s stuff and threw it at him. 

He struggled to catch it, “What are you doing?” 

“Leave. I don’t want to see you anymore.” He kept throwing random things that belonged to Saihara at him. “Go live with Kaede! Since you love her so much.” 

Kokichi mocked his boyfriend's tears, “You did this to yourself, Saihara! We’re through.” 

“Please. I didn’t mean anything by it, it got out of hand and-“ 

“I told you I didn’t want to see you again.” 

He slammed the door in his boyfriend...no, his ex boyfriends face. He hit his back on the door and slid to the ground. 

He hadn’t been crying. He stopped a while ago but the intensity of what just happened hit him like a truck. He had a boyfriend five minutes ago and now he was sitting alone in their once shared apartment. 

He was laying alone in a bed they used to share and eating at a table they used to sit together at. Watching a tv that they would watch scary movies together on and Saihara would get mad at the characters for being so dumb. 

He stretched the shirt he was wearing out. The once-belonged-to-his-ex shirt. He hugged it. He missed Saihara already. 

“It’s my fault. This is all my fault. We could’ve lived happily together.” The tears stained his cheeks. He struggled to breathe a bit at how hard he was crying. He didn’t know what to do now that he was alone. 

It felt so empty. Like there was something supposed to be there. He knew what was missing, his partner. 

He cried alone that night. 

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Once again, if you enjoyed this fanfiction please consider checking out my D.I.C.E au, 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25785907/chapters/62629195
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! <3


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